In case you couldn’t tell from the above picture, Niklas Kronwall has added another victim to his hit parade. Yes, I know this looks like a harmless celebration between two teammates. However, I doubt you are aware of what Kron was actually saying to former teammate Marian Hossa. Fret not, oh faithful readers. A full transcript is below:
- Kron: Nice shot.
- Hossa: MONEY!!!
- Kron: Listen d-bag, I know you think you are something special, but if you decide to cut and run after this season, there will be hell to pay.
- Hossa: MORE SUITS!!!
- Kron: Dude, are you even listening to me? You don’t mess around with Detroit fans. This is a proud hockey town and these fans expect you to stand by your statement that you want to come back next year. Got that?
- Hossa: MORE TRASHY BLONDES!!!
- Kron: You are such an ass. I am totally onto your game and I know what you are going to do. You are going to hold out on us, stringing us along with false promises of “loyalty”, and then dash off to a division rival like Chicago or something, lugging your life partner Kopecky with you. I can see it in your eyes. I am Kronwall and I see your soul…
- Hossa: Don’t talk about Tomas like that! You don’t know what we have together! He stood up for me after Francois Beauchemin called me a weak piece of euro-trash who couldn’t deliver in the playoffs! I am indebted to him eternally for his valor!
- Kron: He got KTFO out dude. He’s a pansy. Just like you. You know what happens to pansies? Especially ones that ditch for more money? No? Here, let the Kronwall enlighten you…
- Kron: KRONWALLED!!!
- Hossa: *Gulp* Is he dead?
- Kron: No, Havlat is simply a pawn in the greater mission of educating you of the fate that awaits a traitor. Therefore, I have spared his life. However, he will be relegated to the fields of Minnesota, never to set foot in this city as a Blackhawk again. His spot is likely to be filled by someone just as cowardly and meek, someone who will also surely feel the wrath of the Kronwall.
- Hossa: How could you possibly know that?
- Kron: Because I am the Kronwall. I feed on the fear of men. My destruction is legendary. And should you be the one chosen to fill that weakling’s spot in the Chicago lineup, your destiny will align with those who have faced my wrath before you.
- Hossa: But what about all of that money? I have to support Tomas…er, my family!
- Kron: Do what you must, Marian. In parting, I give you these words of wisdom: Don’t f**k with me.
- Hossa: Oh I don’t know what to do!!!
- Kron: The lords of hockey have already made it known to the Kronwall that we will open JLA next season against the ‘Hawks. Might I suggest a shoulder injury? Perhaps a rotator cuff “tear”? It would require surgery, you would still get paid, and you could avoid the wrath of the Kron.
- Hossa: Now that you mention it, my shoulder has been a little sore recently…
- Kron: Exactly.
There you have it, folks. Hey Chicago: Enjoy watching that multi-million dollar investment start the season sitting in the stands in an ugly ass suit with some blonde that serves about as much purpose as Tomas Kopecky in a fight (or on the ice, for that matter.) Hey, if Kopecky doesn’t pan out in the lineup for you guys, at least you know Hossa will have someone to spoon with keep him company while he recovers.